Thursday, June 26, 2008

5 Superpowers From the Bible That Put Marvel and DC to Shame

If we could ask God for just one thing, it'd be this: We want superpowers like people in the Bible had.

Is that too much to ask? We could do a lot with our powers, some of it good. So why not? It used to happen quite a bit, the Bible is full of people who God infused with powers that would put most of the Marvel and DC lineup to shame. Such as:

#5. Ezekiel and His Zombie Army
Ezekiel was a prophet. For most Biblical prophets, this meant having freaky visions, telling them to people, being mocked and most likely being executed for heresy. But it was all worth it, when things like this happened: That's Ezekiel 37: 1-14, and that's him raising a freaking army of the undead.

If we could do that ...
An army of the undead, right at our fingertips? Imagine the bank-robbers running when suddenly rotting arms reach up from the ground, grab that sack of cash, steal his car and beat him with his own intestines. But crime fighting is just the beginning, we're thinking there's really an incredible number of uses for your legions of undead henchman.

Also, it's not too far-fetched to assume that this would work on animals as well, so zombie horsemen could give us some serious mobility.

The Downside:
This special ability seems to require having a lot of exposed skeletons laying around, a resource we probably won't find while fighting crime with Spider-Man in New York (unless there are some neighborhoods that are way worse than we initially thought).

Secondly, some people might get a bit uneasy about the whole walking around town followed by an army of terrifying zombies. It's one of the tenets of being a superhero that your presence doesn't prompt horrified shrieks from children. So we would have to move somewhere where freakishly impossible and ethically questionable things won't seem out of place. Maybe the Netherlands.

#4. Moses, Aaron and Their Magic Staff
In a part of the Bible some of you know from the movie The Ten Commandments, Moses and sidekick Aaron were about to lead the Jews out of Egypt when God told them to show the Pharaoh a new trick with his staff. So in Exodus 7:10-12:
Sure the magicians were able to pull off the snake trick with slightly less hungry snakes. But based on our experience with Egyptian magic, we bet those guys just threw down rubber snakes their magicians assistants wiggled around the floor with a wire.

Also, the above example is only one of many times those staffs come in handy. Before long, Moses and Aaron were using their magic staffs to turn rivers into blood, spread disease through the land and even summon armies of locusts. It was basically like God declared their staffs to be wild cards in a hand of terrifying superpower poker.

If we could do that ...
Crime does not want to see us out on the streets with one of these. Point a gun at us, buddy? Watch as it turns into a swarm of killer bees that sting your face off.

We'd be like a combination of Batman and Harry Potter, only instead of tiny wands we'd have huge freaking staffs that would also serve as clubs, or giant legs of fried chicken if we got hungry, or wanted to make a beating particularly humiliating. Though despite their ability to do anything, we suspect we'd still use the "turn into a snake" feature the most.

The Downside:
Like wizards, they seemed to become very weak without their staffs, so there are some serious problems there, particularly when you've got it in snake mode and it goes slithering under a car.

#3. Samson and His Lion-Crushing Strength
Samson is well known as one of the all-time badasses, and he got started early. From Judges 14: 5-6:
The writer points out that Samson tore apart a lion as easily as one would tear apart a young goat, which says something about the era they lived in since we're not sure we could tear apart a goat with the aid of a machine designed for the purpose.

He then made sure that his parents, who were with him, didn't know anything about it, probably using the old "Hey, look over there, and continue to do so while ignoring the grotesque sounds and spray of blood coming from this general direction." Most intriguing about this might be the fact that the Lion came "roaring" toward Samson, and yet he still killed it so quickly that his folks didn't find out. Big points for efficiency, right there.

After this, the legacy of Samson began, in which he killed enough people to populate a small city.

If we could do that ...
Biblical scholars have bitterly debated whether or not Samson could have stood up to modern weaponry. He clearly could not be killed with swords or spears, but was later killed when a building fell on him. We're actually not sure how much crime we'd want to be fighting if we could still be brought down with a bullet to the head.

No, we'd probably wind up with a lucrative career on the Mixed Martial Arts circuit instead. As for the lion-wrestling thing, it's hard to imagine that ever coming up unless we were drunk at the zoo.

The Downside:
Worth noting that Samson really only uses his super strength at times when danger is imminent, or (more often) when he was pissed off about something. We do believe we've got ourselves an Incredible Hulk on our hands.

But unlike the Hulk, Samson's weakness was that all his powers came from his long hair, so should it ever be shaved, he would lose his strength. That weakness seems pretty easy for the bad guys to exploit should they find out about it.

In Samson's case, his bitchy girlfriend, Delilah, nagged him until he revealed this fact at which point she shaved him and handed him over to his enemies. So we guess you could say Samson had two weaknesses, the other being boobs.

#2. Jesus, Like a Non-Useless Aquaman
Jesus. Maybe you've heard of him. But of all the healing and feeding and returning from the dead he did, this has got to be the most awesome superpower he had, from Mark 4:35-41:
So they're out in the middle of a hurricane, tossed around like the guys on Deadliest Catch and Jesus, because he was just hardcore like that, didn't mind the drenching rain and the loud thunder and continued sleeping. His disciples woke him up and started griping with stupid complaints like "The boat is halfway under water!" and "We are going to die!"
Jesus told them they were faithless wusses and the disciples shut up. If that wasn't cool enough, he chewed out the storm, and it shut up, too. That has to be our favorite part, how he's just annoyed by the whole thing, as if being bothered to stop an entire weather systems was equivalent to getting woken up by your girlfriend to go kill a spider in the bathroom.
If we could do that ...
Between communicating with storms, walking on water and turning water into wine, the man pretty much had the whole water thing under his thumb. In some sense, we'd be like a non-useless aquaman, if that is even possible.

The Downside: We're not completely sure what street crime we could stop with this ability, since the city would probably rather deal with the Joker than the eight-foot wall of water we'd use to kill him.
But man, if you're trying to commit a crime on the high seas, watch out. We're telling you right now that, with the simple addition of Jesus' water-command, ours would be a world entirely without pirates. Well, without the shitty boring kind at least.

#1. Elisha and Elijah's Abilty To Summon Bears, Split Rivers with Dirty Laundry
Elijah and Elisha were an epic miracle-producing tag team in their time (sort of like if Superman had a younger protege named "Duperman"). Elijah, after a life spent raising the dead and calling down fire to smite heathen prophets, goes out like this:
That's 2 Kings 2: 11-14 where God, deciding that waiting thousands of years for someone so incredibly badass as Elijah to die would be too long, just plucked him from the ground and up through the pearly gates while he was still alive. And since God likes to make those rare public appearances count for something, he stages the whole thing in a cool-ass flaming chariot.
Elisha, now that his name would no longer be confused with anyone else, found that he could reach his full potential. Not to be outdone by the whole "whirlwind" thing, he uses Elijah's coat to casually split a river in half. That's right, something that was a huge deal for Charleton Heston's Moses was accomplished using only the powers that had rubbed off on a piece of Elijah's dirty laundry. How could Elisha, who was to be Elijah's successor, possibly top that?
When confronted by a gang of smartass kids, he summoned two bears to attack them. Yep, that'll do it.
If we could do that ... We'd pretty much rule the world. Unlike Moses and Aaron, Elijah and Elisha didn't have those ridiculous "staff" things holding them back. These guys were basically plugged into The Matrix here, and could do anything they wanted whether the laws of physics were cool with it or not.
The thing is, we'd settle for any one of their powers by itself; the flaming, flying chariot for instance. Or just the ability to summon bears at will. Holy crap, there's like five situations a day where we'd like to do that.

But throw it all in, including calling down fire from the sky and controlling water? We wouldn't just be stopping criminals, we'd be stopping crime. You want to rob a bank? Well you'd better have a suit that's fireproof, waterproof and freaking bear proof. Multiple bear proof, in fact.
The Downside: Well, for Elijah, the answer is quite obviously "none," considering that if he hadn't gotten a flaming ride up to heaven, he'd presumably still be alive today. We're not seeing a downside.
The Bible doesn't describe exactly how Elisha died, only that his last recorded act was telling the king that he was a moron. We wonder if that might not be why it was his last recorded act.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Of Evolutionists and Creationists

Question : Which came first? The Chicken or the Egg?
Answer : The Egg of course…
Question : Then who laid the Egg?
Answer : The Duck…

Subsequently after being labeled “the lamer of the century” by the multitudes that would eventually proceed to stomp on your face, you’d be so mad that you’d do a simple research and find out that there existed these beings called “duck-billed dinosaurs” and there has yet to be an “AYAM-o-saurus” to be found in any of the Flintstones episodes.

I’m not sure whether research is good or bad for the soul. Apparently if you were to take the bible word for word, it’s kinda grey in the initial stage whether the Bible skipped a few hundred million years of pages or God just had a wicked sense of humor and decided to cram everything into a few sentences and have us argue and fight over it.

Evolution = BIG Dinosaurs, BIG Neanderthals, BIG Bang, BIG Friggin Comet and BIG Friggin Ice Age

Creation = BIG God… everything else is small in comparison. All of the above are null and void.

So here’s the lowdown, creationists believe that mankind began with God creating Adam… this one dude that’s supposed to have been the 1st human to have walked the earth. And he’s said to have lived like what… approx 5,000 years ago. Or something like that.

Here’s the cue where the evolutionists start to laugh and hold their fat archaeological tummies. “There are written histories of empires in China dated 5,000 years ago!” they would say. So how? Dinosaur bones? Fossils? All these stuff date back millions of years. Doesn’t make sense does it? Recently it was just discovered that man came from the heart of Africa 200,000 years ago. Thanks to carbon-dating, we’re able to find out how long ago men learned to drive their spears into mammoths, saber-toothed tigers as well as each other.

So who’s right then? So far apparently we’re leaning towards evolution yah? Or so I believe. But then let’s backtrack deeper into the past…

Jessica Alba → Modern Civilization → Ancient Civilization → Cavemen → Ice Age → Big Comet → Dinosaurs → Single-cell organism → Creation of Planets → Big Bang → Cosmic Bla-Bla → WTH?

As you can see at the top of the evolutionary ladder sits the immaculate Jessica Alba, the perfection of humanity in all her glory. Utter perfection. And as we go further down memory lane, which many scientists believe that the Big Bang was created by some chemicals in space reacting to… *blaaahhhh*… then KA-BOOM! Let there be everything. But no-one asks how did the so-called chemistry or physics come to be there. They’re just happy to prove that there WAS a Big Bang. And Adam was… wrong.

And just how did they prove it? Oh well… they found bones. Very, very old bones of very old people. Well in some contexts they don’t call them people. They call ‘em Neanderthals. Big hairy dudes and dudettes who basically look like the rockstar version of Lurch. Then they had bones of very BIG lizards, crocs, insects, yada-yada and what have you may. Camana nih?

In my life I have asked this question many-a-time to many-a-people. And many-a-people have given me many-an-answer. Some made sense, some didn’t and some just made you wanna jab them in the throat just so they’d shut up. Amongst the answers I got were as such:

1. Evolutionists say that it didn’t happen at all. Based on the million-year-old rocks, bones, fossils and stuff like that, basically Genesis was pure bullsh*t. In fact, science basically renders the Creation theory useless if you take it word-for-word.

2. The regular Creationist says “if God wanted to create the world 5,000 years ago, He would have created ready-made million-year-old rock since it’s not like it’s beyond Him to do that”. It’s a really good answer if you wanna get out of an argument. In fact, God could have made us yesterday and planted all the memories in us. Totally rad…

3. Another version that I got from one Dr. Douglas Jacoby is that he suggested that when God made Adam on the 6th day, He didn’t necessarily do an Abra-ca-dabra and pooped the bugger out of nowhere. But it did take God a whole day to make the dude and give him instructions and what not about the world. As Adam was made from dust/dirt, God had to take the dust and create a form in His own image. He had to mould, shape and sculpt it into perfection.

Since modern Homo sapiens only evolved around 100,000 years ago, Dr. Jacoby doesn’t rule out the possibility that the time it took for God to “create” Adam was in fact not in one human day but a few million years perhaps? Is there a possibility that Man DID evolve from hunched, hairy-looking creatures from the moment God took the dust and started to mould it? (I did NOT say monkey!) There’s a possibility that there were erect, bipedal creatures walking the earth before the first two people mentioned in the Bible but “Adam” was only complete when God breathed life into him (approx. 100,000 yrs ago perhaps?).

Some people would say “just have faith-lah, don’t ask so many questions”. A big fat Kudos to those people. I’m sorry as I do not have as much self-control as them. For starters, I’m just a curious dude. I do not have a NEED to find out where Adam came from. Maybe I just have too much time on my hands. Maybe I’m looking for trouble. Maybe I’m just bored with everyday routine. There are many things that I do not have the answer to. That’s why I’m asking questions.

The question I have is this, why do creationists and evolutionists have to prove each other wrong? Have people not understood that there is no possible way to disprove science? Facts are very real. Doesn’t matter that it was only a few hundred years ago that people discovered that the world was round and you can’t actually fall off its edge. That wasn’t science. It was based on flawed calculations, theories and assumptions. But today with the development of telescopes, periscopes, endoscopes and whatever “scopes” might have you, the facts are getting harder to prove wrong. It looks like this argument is tilting in the favor of science.

On the other hand, why can’t people just accept both worlds? Science doesn’t disprove the Bible, it just reaffirms it. You just gotta step out of your cave and open your eyes. Does anyone still believe that the sun revolves around the earth? In fact, it’s easier to believe that both theories can co-exist instead of trying to kill one another. Use your head; don’t let your narrow-mindedness screw up your entire perspective of God’s creation. After all, at the end of the day we're all from Africa.

Some things are just right under your nose. If you can’t see it, try smelling.

Sources from:
The Bible
Michael Siva Pillai
David Wong (www.cracked .com)
Dr. Douglas Jacoby
National Geographic

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Oh Father, Where Art Thou?

Questions, questions and more questions... I had that freakishly annoying habit of asking every possible question during my younger days that it annoyed the hell outta adults...

"Pa, how long can a person hold his breath?".
"Few minutes...".
"How few is the minutes?".
"...*blur awhile*...Pa, how far can a person go underwater?".
"...*more blur-ness*...".

(After a few minutes)

"Pa, what has pants gotta do with water?".

So I had this other person who tells me that after accepting Christ for a coupla years, suddenly He doesn't seem so real anymore. According to her, when she became a Christian there were no questions asked. It was more like someone just came up to her and told her that this was a genuine product and she just bought it. Well its a known fact that every organised religion in this world has their own personal ugliness, hypocrisy and assholes. It will rear its ugly head whether anyone likes it or not. And when that time comes, can you accept it?

1. Can you accept that the person whom you trusted to tell you the truth was gay, paedophile, polygamous AND a drag queen?

2. Can you accept that in the name of religion someone suicide bombs a building, chops off her infant's limbs or sacrifices another human being?

3. How can you, as a logical person who knows that fairies, flying reindeers and frog princes are fibs... accept something without solid proof or questioning its existence?

Christians preach that we shouldn't hang on to the facts but believe in the truth. WTF?! Are we naive enough to believe in something unnatural? What separates fact and truth? Ok, holistic crap aside let's be practical here. Humans in general have only 5 senses: touch, taste, hearing, sight and smell. We naturally believe in what those 5 senses can tell us. THAT IS FACT. Unfortunately, none whatsoever of those senses can tell us that God exists. THAT IS ALSO FACT.

Truth is... from what I gather are things like "Jesus saves", "Jesus heals", "Jesus casts out demons" and "Jesus loves you".

Big fat question coming up : HOW THE HECK YOU KNOW!?
Small answer from back row : faith...
Fact : most people will laugh in your face...

So let's take a stroll down "normal human being" lane. How many people can actually believe a story? Yes, it's a nice to hear with the happy endings but that doesn't differ much from a fairy tale right? But then again a teenager princess living in a forest hut with 7-single, short old male miners who hasn't seen any action for a millenia doesn't exactly sound all that appealing either. Okok, back to topic.

It's so much easier to believe in facts isn't it? How many people have not been on Mt. Everest but yet believe its sitting there pat on the Himalayas? How many people have seen a T-Rex alive? How do we know that humans have arrived ont he moon? Have we done it? Seen it? Felt it? Smelt it? Touched it? Heard it? The majority if not the people I know has not. So... HOW THE HECK YOU KNOW?

Simple... facts loh... records, data, photographs, testimonies, ROCK SOLID PROOF, evidence, real stuff that we can touch, see, feel... and last but not least, IT'S FRIGGIN THERE!


what if...

TRUTH becomes FACT?

If we can believe reports, can we believe a doctor's report on how a tumor can disappear? How a man can be lame one day and walk the next? How a body can be cleared of cancer cells overnight? Sure it sounds far-fetched but it's on paper! By doctors! Men and women of science! Surely we can't deny that. A valid, thorough report that says that the cancer cell count has gone to zero. And the patient from a dying, skeletal, hairless toddler with tubes going in and out of him... to a running, jumping annoying brat of 14 whose highest possible risk of death would be his mum killing him for not cleaning his room.

Can anyone deny that he had cancer? No, docs confirmed it, so did the tests.
Can anyone deny that there's no cancer in him now? No, same thing.

Yes, cancer can be cured medically... that's true. But how often? And it also depends on what kinda cancer, treatment, person, bla bla bla. Let's have a look at the breakdown:

2-yr old Chinese kid : FACT
AML Leukemia : FACT
Survival rate 20%: FACT
Jesus heals : TRUTH
Chemotherapy incomplete : FACT
Kid healed : FACT

World-class doctors @ Singapore's National University Hospital going "Err... we're not so sure how your kid did it but according to these reports, there's no trace of any cancer cells in him anymore" : PRICELESS

HOW THE HECK I KNOW? That kid's my bro.

Friday, December 21, 2007

My Jewish Mafia

A friend once told me that in order for the Romans to capture Jesus Christ, they had to use a "cohort" of soldiers. Now what would it take to capture a single unarmed man in Jerusalem? of course In Roman times, a cohort could mean anywhere from 500 - 1000 men. Now we know that Jesus was no Saddam Hussein. He was (not taking into account "Son of God") in fact, just a regular joe who walked around preaching, teaching and if you would consider the notion of "activist"... coz He was going against the teachings of the Pharisees. So what in the name of God would've brought upon the Roman leaders the need to send 1000 soldiers to capture this man? Let's take a look at some of the facts:

Here's a compilation of a few things I've sorta figured out:

1. The Roman Empire at that period of time was the most powerful force in the world.
2. The Roman Army were the most disciplined, well-organised and the legionnaires were a key figure to winning battles. It was the Romans who utterly destroyed Greece.
3. 1,000 soldiers were sent to capture Jesus Christ.
4. It was done in the middle of the night, after The Last Supper.
5. Jesus had but 12 men with Him that night.

This is no Wikipedia but do feel free to insert your 2 cents if you wish. Ok, now back to business. What did the Romans have to fear from this man that they had to send so many soldiers out to arrest Him in the silent of the night? Could they have been afraid of something/someone enough to inconvenience themselves to come under the cover of darkness? If they had been meticulous enough to come during the night, they would have also been very careful to have kept silent as well. Imagine 1,000 of Rome's finest tip-toeing through the streets and alleys of Old Jerusalem with probably the moonlight (if any) as their only guide. Priceless...

A reasonable explanation would be that the Son of God had many fiercely loyal supporters and followers that the the Roman army wouldn't dare risk an angry mob which would have resulted in bloodshed if they had tried to capture Jesus in broad daylight. As such were the loyal followers of Christ that Peter, an insignificant fisherman did not even hesitate to lop off a Roman soldier's ear at the mention of his master's arrest.

As an summary, I would just like to mention that Christ DID NOT condone any violence, murder or even ill-thought in His teachings. He even re-attached that poor soldier's ear again. But is it not human nature to defend something that is precious to us e.g. family, friends and football clubs? People fight for their triads, gangs, mobs, mafias and rempits. Jesus did not offer fame, fortune or finance. He offered something more than all that. Something so much more that the Romans knew that they would have to massacre the thousands of people of Jerusalem before they could even touch a single strand of hair from His head.

Kinda hard to let the answer to eternal life die right?